How long am I supposed to stay on this screen?
LOADING… ▰▰▰▰▰▰▰□□□ 73%
Lately I feel like my whole life has that little spinning circle in the middle of the screen.
Not frozen.
Not crashed.
Just…
loading.
And I’m starting to realize that I’ve been sitting here waiting for myself to load for a long ass time.
I have ideas.
I have plans.
I know there are things I want to do.
So why do I keep stopping myself right before I actually do them?That’s the part that’s been bothering me.
Because I CAN make a decision.
I’ll make one and feel completely sure about it.
Then here I come 20 minutes later…
But wait. 😭
Maybe I should do it this way.
Maybe I should change this.
Maybe there’s a better idea.
Maybe I’m moving too fast.
Maybe I need to think about it some more.
And now the decision I already made is back on the table.
Again.
Maybe I’m not confused.
Maybe I’m scared to stand on my own decisions.
Because once I choose something and actually move forward with it, I have to find out what happens.
And that’s scary.
If I keep planning, tweaking and changing things, nothing can technically go wrong yet.
But nothing can really go right either.
And funny enough, I’m realizing all of this while building this website.
The website is under construction.
I’m changing pages.
Moving things around.
Trying things.
Deleting things.
Putting them back.
Looking at it again.
Changing something else.
And somewhere between the 900th edit, I realized:
Girl… you do this with EVERYTHING. 😂
Not just the website.
My ideas.
My goals.
Things I want for myself.
Sometimes even the way I see my future.
I keep putting things back into editing mode.
And I’m tired.
Not tired of creating.
Not tired of dreaming.
I’m tired of constantly making myself feel like I’m not ready yet.
Because what exactly am I waiting for?
For everything to be perfect?
For somebody to tell me I picked the right thing?
For some giant sign to pop up saying:
CONGRATULATIONS. YOU MAY NOW PROCEED WITH YOUR LIFE.
Yeah… I don’t think that’s coming. 😂
So maybe this is the part where I stop waiting for 100%.
Maybe 73% is enough to hit START.
I can change things later.
I can learn as I go.
I can make a decision today and trust the version of me who made it.
And if it turns out to be the wrong decision?
Fine.
I’ll deal with it when I get there.
At least I’ll finally be somewhere.
So no, this isn’t the post where I tell you I figured my whole life out.
Clearly, I didn’t. 😂
My website is still under construction.
I’m still under construction.
But I’m starting to understand something:
Under construction and stuck are not the same thing.
One means nothing is moving.
The other means something is being built.
And maybe that’s where I am.
Not stuck.
Not lost.
Just loading the next version.
LOADING… ████████░░
Please don’t close the window.
I think I’m finally changing.
— Nova
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